i forgot how much meditating helps me

i used to meditate every day and then i kind of stopped but lately i have been meditating more and more

so over the past 5 nights of restlessness ive meditated for about 12 hours and ive cleard alot of things out with myself

its starting to get easier to go from day to day

im starting to eat again after losing about 20 lbs

and i had about 5 hours of sleep last night (a few more hours that the past few days)

i dont go into panic attack frequently either

and as far as crying goes i dont think i have functioning tear ducts any more

and things are getting much better

so if we hang out you will probably still hear me talk about sam and kyle and stuff but it wont be my depression talking

it will be about me being happy for them

depression is like a brick to the head

a kick to the stomach and there's an ache through every inch

weighting yourself down until you can't pick yourself back up

si it seems, the only way to comeback is if you help lift me up

but what will happen if your helping someone else instead

now here is where i lay, waiting for my newest cause of failure

so i lay up at night thinking in the dark

looking to the stars hopeing to find an answer

whats in him that makes you question what we had

why break apart when there's a possability for nothing but to come back together

i can't kick this feeling in anyway

it's hard to even remember the last time i smiled underneath my mask

this vener is fake and its coming off quick

my emotions are to strong to hold back much longer

it was the first time my eyes bleed out in a long time

and that surated knife thats in my chest is digging in deeper

the thought you with someone else

is like having a gun to my head

and seeing you in there arms would pull the trigger

causing the bang which explodes my mind and emotions

but all i could do if that happened would be have a straight face

and give a firm threat

"You hurt her in any way, and i WILL hurt you"

and leave silently to live a harder version of my life

that i wouldnt just let you make us take a break again

and of corse it ends up we do

i hate this feeling so much the past 2 days has felt like a really long panic attack

im confused and scared and worried

i feel helpless and i dont know what to do

im so afraid i might lose the only person important in my life to someone else

and it hurts really bad

but hopefully my optomisim will bring me to be happy soon along with what i want to happen in the near future

i wish there was someone i could talk to about all these different things going on in my head other than myself

lately ive been fasinated by clouds.

i dont know what it is about them but i love to just lay and stare at them,its weird but its almost like my brief escape from reality even though they are part of reality.

i can just let my mind go off and day dream and everything.

clouds in the day are like my stars at night

they cause me to stop and think if only for a few seconds.

also in the past couple days ive had to my self and at night time i sometimes turn everything off and sit and meditate, calm my mind and clear it and allow myself to be at peace it is nice being able to do that every now and then.

great im getting in trouble when i havent done anything wrong

i hate life

finnaly things were going great and now they got fucked up by a polish girl

ughh i hate life

and because of dumb ass things ive done in the past sam wont trust me at all

and i feel like compleat shit even though i havent done anything